Polygamy Feels Like Cheating: A True Story
Where do I start? This is all still fresh and raw for me but I thought since writing always helps me sort my feelings, I could try to put into words, the jumble of emotions I carry now.
Just over a week ago, my husband informed me that he’s taken a second wife. This news hit me like a ton of bricks. At first, I was shocked and couldn’t believe it was true.
The manner in which he told me was quite insulting. He told me in an email. Yes an email. To add insult to injury, this email reached me while he was not in town and he would not answer any calls, messages, or emails for 3 days. Leaving me to lose my mind with questions and basically go insane. When he finally agreed to talk about it, it was through chat because he couldn’t handle hearing me cry and thus making him cry.
A little background, we’ve been married over 15 years and have 4 children. We live in an Arab country and have for many years now. I’m in my mid thirties and he’s several years older than I am.
I learned in this Internet chat, while he was still out of town, that he has been married to this 25 year old foreign girl for 6 months. He tells me she’s a kind person (Why the eff I should care, I don’t know) and that she knows about me and knows that he loves and respects me. I know that she lives in the same town as us now. He apologizes profusely and says he knows he’s hurt me but gives some half assed excuses for why he’s married a second wife which really are just things to justify it to himself. I’ve always been a good wife and he and I know I don’t deserve this.
Just FYI, in hindsight, I had a gut feeling right around the time he got married that something was going on. No proof, just women’s intuition. I confronted him and he assured me that nothing was going on. Trust your instincts, ladies.
While he was still away, it was easy to just be mad and think of the brass tacks.
I will leave. He always knew I couldn’t stay in a situation like this. I’ve always been against being a co wife and I made that clear. He did this with that knowledge. I started to think about what I would do, I would move out, move on and start a new life. I cried a little but mostly I felt numb
He came back and wanted me to forgive and live like normal. He said nothing will change. I said everything has changed. Besides, people forgive when it’s something that’s happened and over. He doesn’t plan on leaving her. He said to try. I told him I can’t live like that. Besides the fact that I think it’s completely gross, I will always be bitter and voice my discontent and I’ll always be suspicious. I still couldn’t cry much, I felt sick.
I had planned to go away this summer for a long overdue visit to family for a couple of months and we decided to try to act normal for the kids’ sake and won’t tell them anything till the kids and I get back. By then he’ll have found me a new apartment. But I find it so hard to act normal.
This is too hard. It hurts so much. I thought I could punch a pillow to release some emotions. At first it was ok, and then I punched harder and harder putting my all in to it until I couldn’t anymore. By then I was sobbing uncontrollably. That was a release. All of the emotion I wasn’t feeling before is now pouring out all the time but at inopportune times and I can’t take it.
After he came home, my feelings went from anger to sadness. I don’t know how to stop being sad. I just want to sleep all the time, and find myself snapping at the kids. It’s not their fault. I have to be better but I don’t know how to put this aside. I take sleeping pills and wait all day for it to be time to go to sleep again.
It’s hard and confusing I just don’t know how to stop being sad. I’m confused because I am so hurt and mad but I still find myself wanting his approval and wanting to be in his arms. Isn’t that crazy?
I feel trapped in sadness and anger. Every time his phone rings, I think, is it her? Every time I see a young blond woman, I think is it her? When I see a couple together, I want to tell her, “he’s going to betray you”. When he tries to hug me I know he hugs her too, and you all know what else. I asked him to respect my feelings and know that I can’t just go on like its business as usual.
I can’t be in public right now. I feel the urge to just start running, I don’t know where or why, or the urge to just tell random people. I don’t though. Going on with the pretending everything is normal for the kids’ sake, we went to dinner. It was so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. I later had to flee the supermarket to go to the car and cry.
I told a few close friends but really there’s nothing anyone can do. I feel so alone in this. One friend calls and asks about me but I get the distinct feeling she just wants details. Besides, it’s fucking embarrassing. Anyone who knows will definitely think to themselves“She let herself go” “She must not put out”.
He sent a humongous flower arrangement yesterday. How completely awkward. It’s not something that any bouquet can fix. The card says. “Thanks for being you.” Well me wasn’t enough apparently. I’m not about to get into some kind of sick competition with some 25 year old blond, blue eyed girl. I’m not up for that shit.
Sometimes I fantasize about meeting her by chance. Half the time I push her down and tell her to get her own husband. The other half I’m calm, pleasant and the bigger person and I tell her she can have him.
I have to keep reminding myself to stay classy, be strong and not defend myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. I know this. Men just want their cake and to eat it too. They want the good old reliable, obedient Muslim woman and they want the young hot piece as well. Well I’ll have no part of it. I’ll raise my kids and he has to be a father to them but that will be the extent of our relationship now.
It would be so much easier if I didn’t love him. I know what I have to do. I just have to shut down my feelings and stop caring. I have to move out and move on.
Make dua for me.
I feel so bad for her, this is not how the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said that this was to be done (under the right circumstances), you’re supposed to ask your first wife permission before you take a second wife. If she says no, that’s it….she says no and you can’t do it. What a cowardly way to behave with someone you apparently love. Astagfirullah, my heart goes out to her.
Somali Women, Very exquisite and Beautiful culturized people, I just hate that their suffering from piracy, ughh because of that its gives their country a bad name.
Egyptian Woman working in the TeleMisr factory in mid 1960s where 1/2 of the workers in the factories were women.
omg my mom had the same hairstyle back then.
Colors of India
Afghan women clad in burqas walk past a tree in Bagram, north of Kabul January 3, 2012.
[Credit : Ahmad Masood/Reuters]
Feminism ≠ equality
Men and women are equal. Male supremacy/misogyny is wrong. Feminism is wrong.
Feminism IS equality.
It’s the act of gaining EQUAL rights between men and women, which we’re still struggling with today. Sure there are some Feminists who think women are “better” than men but that doesn’t mean you can stereotype all feminists into that category.
Empowering women ftw!